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    一個父親的成長

    發布于:2019-06-21 16:31  ┊ 閱讀  ┊  人參與  ┊ 文 / 吊腳樓

      女婿今年三十六歲,是兩個孩子的父親。他們祖孫三代生活在京城,我們老倆口在中原、嶺南兩邊跑,與他們聚在一起的時間并不多。但我的女婿由黃牙乳口到青年學子再到一個優秀父親的成長軌跡,很是令我們驕傲。

      他出生在一個以丹頂鶴盛名的東北邊城,他的童年跟絕大多數孩子比,多了一些周折。他是獨子,出生在一個普通的工人家庭,在他五歲的時候,父母就離異了,他跟母親一起一直生活在外婆家。父母離異對他來說,不只是身邊少了一個人。這個人曾經是他們家的天,是他們家的大梁。有一天,當這根大梁抽身離去的時候,他的世界突然殘缺了。他不能像過去那樣,騎在那個寬廣厚實的肩膀上,遙望遠方飛翔的大雁;他再也不能坐在自行車的橫梁上,聞他的煙草味。屬于他的,是放學后,看著同學的父親牽著兒子的手越來越模糊的背影。他巴望著那個給了他生命的男人,能在家長會上為他的進步而洋洋自得。他不來了,教室里,再也沒有了他的身影,哪怕他姍姍來遲也好。可是,不再是遲到,是永遠的缺席。我無法描繪他最初失去父愛后,心理律動的細枝末葉,但離異家庭孩子所經歷一些特別的心路歷程,大抵也能想象得到。被玩伴取笑、奚落,被被世俗另眼相待,以及母親獨自面對生活重壓下的生活窘迫而帶來的心理自卑。他是否經歷過這些坎坎坷坷,我們一直沒面對面聊過。不是不想聊,是怕觸動他內心深處情感體驗。那是一道結痂的傷疤,不經意地觸碰,都有可能是徹骨地疼痛。

      聽他母親說,他自小就是一個懂事的孩子。母親所在的工廠很早就破落了,母子倆過著捉襟見肘的日子。他的母親是一個聰慧、勤勞的人,她給了兒子充分的母愛,但同齡孩子所能享受的一個新玩具的快樂,或是進一次麥當勞,溜一次旱冰,對他都是奢侈。我經常想,那時,當其他孩子在享受雙親之愛,或者他們頻繁更換新衣,能夠經常背新書包、穿新鞋時,他必定會投去欽羨的目光。哪一個孩子對本來應有的所得沒有一份原始的向往呢?若有,這些情感歷練必定是浸入了他的骨髓,成了他生命的刺青。

      聽她媽媽說,自從離異后,他的日子鮮有父親的情感陪伴。直到上大學后,他找到爸爸。他說,我不需要您的錢,只是需要您的關切和父愛。還說了什么,我不知道。這久違的父子間的對話也許不會特別的暢達,長久的隔膜之后,難免躲躲閃閃,親情的釋放也往往會詞不達意。也許,做父親的也有自己的難處,也許一個東北漢子的情感過于粗糙而忽略了兒子的心理需求。他很失落,可能還有一絲懊惱,不該避著媽媽來尋求給了自己生命的這個人的心理呵護。

      聽到這個細節后,我在模擬、還原一個畫面,而且這個畫面一直鮮活地既存在我的記憶里——他一夜未眠,缺失的父愛,在他的心里就是一盞照亮他前行的神燈,他像小時候渴望一件新衣、一雙球鞋一樣,渴望實實在在的父愛。那夜,他定然哭過,眼淚打濕過那截飄飄蕩蕩的夢幻。他走向父親的腳步有些遲疑,或者曾經幾次折返,料想有可能出現的幾種結果。但對父愛的強烈渴望像一臺加速器,催促他往前走。面對父親那張有些陌生的臉,他的眼神有些飄忽,不敢直視自己的父親,曾經無數演練過的訴求,似乎無力表達。但他還是說了,說,為尋愛而來,不求其他。

      他失望而歸。步子比來時急促,或許還倔著頭,心生些許忌恨。或者發過誓,一定要在殘缺的情感世界里活出自己的尊嚴來。

      這只是我基于翁婿感情的一種模擬,但我相信,它在情感層面是真實的再現。這“真實”不是細節的真實,是情感世界里跌宕起伏的真實。我無法說服自己刻意地剔去這一過程中的凄涼,也不可能肆意撥高一個缺失父愛的孩子尋愛無果后的道德高度。

      他很聽話、乖巧,過早地懂得了生活的艱辛。他所求不多。不是不想,其他孩子想要的,他也應該想有所得。他不向母親索求條件之外的東西,是他含著淚掐死了心中的欲望嗎?即便如此,也不能說明他內心深處的那團欲望之火早已經是一攤灰燼了。他亦然知道,能有吃的、有穿的、能上學,能把課業學到“出人頭地”,就是頂好的日子了。

      他經常問媽媽,明天我們家還有米嗎。媽媽若無其事地說,放心吧,兒子,媽保證能把你養得膘肥體壯。其實,媽媽心里一直長著一株苦蓮。她比誰都苦。她不能給兒子完整的家,不能給兒子圓滿的愛。她覺得虧欠了兒子。這份虧欠將陪伴她的終身。當兒子問她“明天還有沒有米”時,她更覺得萬般苦澀。兒子本該是無憂無慮的,她卻要讓兒子耽于米缸,耽于灶臺上的油鹽。兒子的早熟給了她欣慰,但這欣慰不只是油然而生的甜密,更有無奈、苦楚和凄涼。

      女婿很爭氣,小學、初中、高中學業都很撥尖,高中畢業后,順利考取了中國政法大學。對于家境好的家庭,高考中第幾如一汪春水,足可以漫延到整個家族,以至彈冠相慶,而對于他們母子倆,是喜憂參半。短暫的喜悅過后,是四年學費、生活費的困擾。貧困家庭在這突如其來的喜訊降臨時,都會發下狠誓,砸鍋賣鐵也要供兒子上學。但“鍋”在哪里呢?有“鍋”可砸嗎?媽媽所在的工廠早已經倒閉,平日的勞動所得僅可以維持基本的生活開銷和兒子的學費。

      我想象不出,做媽媽的是怎樣湊足兒子一年的學費的。女婿報到前,他媽媽給了他一張齊齊哈爾到北京的硬座票,塞給了他幾張票額不等的毛票,總共三百元。媽媽是否把兒子送去了火車站?媽媽是否在站臺上對兒子千叮嚀萬囑咐?兒子是否在母子的惜別中淚水漣漣地記掛著母親來日的艱辛?我不知道。但我相信,當火車風笛拉響的那一刻,隔著車窗玻璃的視線在被拉斷的那一刻,定會是兩顆心怦然下墜、收緊的時候。

      往日的困苦,彼此對未來的擔憂,注定了這是一次不尋常的母子之別。大學四年,他不再跟媽媽要學費、生活費。女婿一米八五,身強體壯。他沒有做家教,沒去街頭發傳單,一把碎銀無以緩解一年近萬元的學費、生活費壓力。他一米八五的身高,身強體壯,這是他勤工儉學最大的本錢,他在野營訓練的教練中,用汗水,用手心的血泡,用腳掌上的老繭,硬撐了四年。個中甘苦,只有他自己知道。

      畢業后,他考取了公職,一路從區檢察院、紀委,再到中紀委派駐人員,一路順風順水。他比同時代的年輕人相比,多了一些擔當。作為公職人員,他兢兢業業,少有牢騷。作為家庭成員,他是個居家好男人,一下班就窩在家里陪伴他的兩個寶貝女兒。大女兒十二歲了,有一手好劍法,在全國俱樂部聯賽中沖到了全國第八名。在女兒成長的這些年,他一直陪伴在側,技法訓練、心理疏導,像一個專業教練從來不曾缺席過。

      每當看到他用一個母親的細膩照應兩個女兒時,我都感念系之,特別的感動。誠然,這些貼心呵護是父親的職責,而我更愿意相信,是他缺乏父愛的成長經歷,讓他不敢在女兒的成長中,自己的父愛有絲毫閃失、疏離。他本就是一個會玩的人,摩托越野、射箭、攀巖、攝影,都玩得有聲有色、風生水起。自從做了爸爸后,他擱置了他的愛好。他不是忍痛可愛,他是心甘情愿地把愛集束在一起,給自己的女兒、妻子及所有的親人。

      他的媽媽說起這話頭的時候,是滿心的高興,我也為之動容。磨難真是一所學校啊,這所學校把他塑造成了一個鐵骨錚錚、柔情似水的好男人。

      但他畢竟遭遇過年少時的父母離異,早年父愛的缺失必然會帶來對生父的道德選擇。他的父親也是一個普通工人,也面臨著養老、疾病,甚至死亡的諸多問題。他的媽媽很智慧,她想,他的兒子應該是一個有家國情懷的男人,他應該遠離狗茍蠅營,不可拘泥于一時的情感糾結。她時不時提醒兒子要善待和感恩親情,哪怕是曾經走失的親情。兒子懂了、釋然了。他給他的父親交了養老金,父親臨危之時,他承擔了全部醫藥費,又陪伴在側。父親走后,他又給了他一個風風光光的葬禮。這些,無疑是一個兒子應該做的,也是我所希望看到的。

      有時候,我也在想,他在履行這孝道的時候,未必就沒有一絲心理糾結?那些尋愛無果的事實畢竟殘酷地刻在他的記憶里,它怎么會輕而易舉地遁形于塵世之中?我希望我的女婿是一個透明的人,是一條永遠與仇恨絕緣的磊落的漢子,但我還是相信他是糾結過、彷徨過、苦惱過的。他畢竟是情感動物,他不是一個沒有雜念的偉人,他一時半會會陡然念起往日情感的窘迫、尷尬,也是情有可原的。

      有一天,我看到一張他和父親在醫院的合影。父子倆都是魁梧的東北漢子,兩個男人像大山一樣并排聳立著。他攬著父親的肩膀,雙目明鏡如水。老邁的父親嬰兒一樣,溫馴地依在兒子的臂彎里,目光沉靜、溫婉。看著這些,我的雙目有些濕潤。這是有過情感過節的父子啊,在經歷了近三十年的磕磕碰碰后,父子情感終于握手言和了。也許,他們彼此根本就沒有仇恨過,只是在某一個人生的岔道,他們不小心走散了。其實,他們一直在用自己的方式尋找對方

      令人欣慰的是,他成長起來了。他學會了站在一個父親的角度打量另一個父親。他沒有沉淪在對往事的回憶中。他邁出了一大步,從原始的開頭,跨到了另一個原始。這個原始不只是血親,而是感恩。這一步之距,不是長度,而是一個道德高度。這一步,他抖落了肩頭上曾經有過的埋怨,甚至嫉恨的粉塵,讓自己的靈魂變得越來越澄澈透亮、質樸優雅。我為之感念。

      

    責任編輯:池墨 作者文集 作者聲明
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